By GoldenLiterature.com
5.17.2007

A few months ago, I was sitting in my school’s advising office waiting for my pointless mandatory meeting with my academic advisor to begin. To help take my mind off how awesome it would be if the building caught fire, I decided to read over some of the pamphlets they provided. The pamphlets were supposed to provide career advice for each major, but what I found instead were hard copies of shit pulled out of an ass. Rather than containing insightful tips and ideas for making career plans, they basically had the equivalent of a manual about the alphabet. See for yourself. Below I have reproduced one of the sheets from their office:

The sheet does have a disclaimer stating that “this is only meant to stimulate your thinking” and is “by no means an exhaustive list you should limit yourself to”. Well no shit, but Athletic Coach?! What the fuck does that have to do with the social sciences? What a way to stimulate the student’s thinking, jerkoffs. Also, it claims that people shouldn’t limit themselves to these options. Wow, in that case, would it be safe for me to foray into an exciting career as an Office Clerk? Although, it is not really a college’s responsibility to help their students find employment, given that the typical student pays thousands of dollars per year in tuition, they could at least throw them a fucking bone. The above pamphlet is not only an insult to my intelligence, but an insult to the entire concept of intelligence.

The section about skills and competencies was even more absurd as they only seemed to list vaguely defined skills that don’t even require a college education. Below I have analyzed some of the listed items:

Oral Communication skills- Call me crazy, but isn’t this just a fancy phrase for ‘talking’? Except for the chronically shy, who the fuck doesn’t have this “skill”? The only way oral communication can be a skill is if it involves manipulating people and/or dicking them around, something which Temple’s staff regularly exposes the average student to, so I guess this technically is taught at Temple.

Numerical Computation- Yes, the world definitely needs more people who can use a calculator.

Logical Thinking- This would explain why we see very few middle-aged women graduates.

Organizational Skills- You know, like making your bed, remembering where your car keys are, and keeping your pornography stored properly.

Efficiency- In case you have acquired too much student debt, it will become very important to make due with a studio apartment and two meals or less per day.

Finally, there are some additional "resources" such as random links to a math society and Purdue University's website. Awesome.

What bothered me the most was the realization that people were actually paid money to create these useless pamphlets. Therefore, being an opportunist, I made my own career developmental pamphlet in hopes that some university might hire me to do the same.

Admit it, this kicks the shit out of Temple's pamphlet.