How
to be a Ghetto Cashier
July 23rd, 2007
Living
the ghetto lifestyle and holding a steady job can be difficult
as the two are often incompatible. Whereas working involves
making yourself useful, the ghetto lifestyle is more geared
toward being a complete waste of life. However, we all have
financial needs and can't collect unemployment forever, so
Golden Literature is here to help with this handy guide. I
will focus on the most ghetto-compatible occupation: cashier.
By following these simple rules listed below, you will be
able to earn a paycheck AND be the scorn of everyone you interact
with.
1.)
Maintain a Sloppy Appearance
Despite slaving
away at your mind-numbing job to make others rich, as long
as you wear excessively baggy pants and an untucked shirt,
you’re still sticking it to the man! But that’s
not enough by itself, you must also…
2.)
Maintain a Scary Appearance
Basically,
you need to look like a potential murderer or at least someone
who can commit some quality assault and battery. As long as
your customers remain fairly certain that they will survive
their encounter with you in good health, you are not a true
ghetto cashier.
3.)
Grow Long Nails (Females Only)
By having
nails that are at least a half-inch long, it will be difficult
to hit any of the buttons on the cash register. This is important
because without those nails, not only would you become far
more efficient at your job, but your hands might look nice
and well-kept, which is unacceptable.
4.)
Abandon Your Station
A cash register
is only as useful as the person behind it, which is exactly
why you should frequently not be there at all. Besides, you
have a million other important things to do and none of them
involve customer service. Ok, well, only two other things
to do - smoke and bullshit, but still, they’re pretty
important. Then, when you finally get to the register…
5.)
Take All Fucking Day to Complete a Transaction
Your job requires
“standing” on your feet for hours on end (more
like leaning lazily against the counter), so why not have
your customers do it also?
Taking a lesson
from Principal Skinner of “The Simpsons”, you
can make a game out of it. See how many sighs and eye-daggers
you can generate in one hour and then try to break that record.
In situations
where there is more than one cashier station open, a slightly
more complex strategy is required. For a few minutes you should
work quickly enough so that customers in other lines switch
to yours. Then, immediately return to your snail’s pace.
Take it from me, there is no satisfaction quite like punishing
people who try to get ahead in life.
6.)
Always Ask Customers if they have Change
Did you know
that giving a customer change is a grueling process that can
take upwards of six seconds to complete? Fuck that.
Therefore,
whenever the change portion of a balance is 15 cents or less
(e.g. $2.14, $10.08) and the customer gives you cash rounded
up to the next dollar, be sure to ask him "You ain't
got change?" in the bitchiest tone possible, because
it's very likely you live in a fantasy world where the customer
is either too stupid to realize he has change or intentionally
has not given you any because he wants to put you through
the inconvenience of gathering 85 cents (see pics below).
7.)
Never Say Thank You
Since you're
a miserable asshole, it is your duty to leave that impression
on everyone you interact with. Besides, as far as you’re
concerned, they’re lucky you don’t punch them
in the mouth to begin with.
8.)
Quit After about 3 Months without Notice
Although nobody
will be surprised that you quit so soon, this shouldn't discourage
you from doing it in the most fucked up way possible. Remember,
nothing says, “I’m a low-class douchebag”
quite like just not showing up to work one day and totally
fucking over your former co-workers by forcing them to pick
up your slack.
9.)
Get Another Cashier Job Somewhere Else
Easy to do since cashier turnover is high.
10.)
Repeat steps 1-9 until you either hit the lottery, marry rich,
win a lawsuit, or die.
Most likely
die.
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-7.23.2007
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