| If
God himself ever felt the need to wear pants, surely they
would be sweatpants.
Unmatched in terms of comfort,
sweatpants are the greatest pants in the world. They also
represent the epitome of fashion and style. I can’t
think of any other garment I would rather have covering my
legs.
 |
 |
 |
Sweatpants
match with a variety of classy clothing such
as Simpsons T-Shirts, hockey jerseys, and business
attire.
|
|
With all these positive attributes,
one would expect us to be living in a blissful utopian society
where everyone wears sweatpants. But no, we live in a backwards
society where many people continually criticize the use of
sweatpants, claiming that only a slob would wear them in public.
Such claims are stupid and groundless, and could easily be
applied to any other kind of pants. Maybe dress pants are
only for pompous yuppie douchebags. Maybe cargo pants are
only for skateboarding losers. Maybe denim jeans are only
for mindless sheep, who aimlessly follow the crowd, afraid
to wear anything that deviates from the established social
norm.
 |
Jeans?
Original? That’s an oxymoron if I ever saw one. |
Another great quality of sweatpants
is that they come in a large variety of colors. Each color
suits a different personality and expresses it to the world,
allowing you to simultaneously promote your own greatness
and filter out the types of people you want to avoid. Here’s
what each different color of sweatpants says about you:
|
Black/Gray:
“I’m
a simple and practical person. I believe that sidewalks
are for regular walkin’ and not fancy walkin’.” |
|
White:
“I’m
stupid enough to buy white clothing, which will become
filthy the instant it comes into contact with anything.” |
|
Pink:
“I’m
a slutty girl in the mood for some serious deep-dickin’.”
OR
“I’m
a homosexual man, also in the mood for some serious
deep-dickin’.” |
|
Green:
“Green
is my favorite color. I’m also a cool motherfucker
who can do no wrong.” |
|
Blue:
“Big
fucking nerd comin' through. But I don't give a shit.” |
|
Red/Yellow/Orange:
“I
want people to notice me, even if it means soon discovering
that I have nothing to offer.” |
Now that you
know for sure how great sweatpants are, there’s no excuse
not to wear them. Remember, life is full of stress, hardships,
and unpleasant experiences. The least you can do for yourself
is wear a comfortable pair of pants while going through it.
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- 1.04.2008
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