A Warning on Middle-Aged Women
March 15th, 2007 by Tim Lovett

It is absolute truth that mankind has never suffered such a plague as that of the middle-aged woman. If the world were like a healthy scrotum, the middle-aged woman would be the unwelcome swift kick into it. Trust me, the Bubonic Plague has nothing on these creatures.

It is hard to tell exactly when a woman becomes middle-aged. For most women, it is after they turn 35 years old. For others, sadly, it starts even earlier. To be fair, there are some blessed ones that stay young at heart throughout life, but they are few and far between.

There are only two known ways of identifying a middle-aged woman. The reader would be wise to study them for his or her own protection.

The first way is through appearance. Middle-aged women are easily identified by their rough skin and plain facial features. More often than not, they will have a torso and/or ass that is much too wide to be considered attractive. All of this is visible despite their vain attempts to look beautiful. Whether it involves tacky jewelry or gallons of makeup, the middle-aged woman will stop at nothing to hide her true hideous form from the public at large.

The second way to quickly identify a middle-aged woman is by observing their attitude and demeanor. To put it in general terms, they constantly complain, nit-pick everything and under no condition are they ever satisfied with their lives. To put it in a more scientific term, they act like bitches.

Examples of this behavior have been well documented for decades. Listed below are some of the most common observations of middle-aged woman behavior:

* When everyone else in a room is hot, she is cold and vice-versa.

* Whenever she eats at a restaurant with more than five people, she will be the only one to order dessert.

* If someone is happy and content, she'll drown them in misery.

Middle-aged women pose a significant threat to many factions of society however young women and men are the most vulnerable. Young girls have been known to be brain-washed by the unhealthy habits and mindless chatter of middle-aged women. It is a gradual and gruesome process that ultimately results in the transformation of a sweet, innocent young lady into, you guessed it, another disgusting middle-aged woman.

Men tend to face even greater dangers. In the short term, a man's interaction with a middle-aged woman will lead to a strong sense of feeling bothered. It is usually enough to ruin the man's day completely. However, it is the long-term effects that are truly devastating. Prolonged interaction with a middle-aged women has shown positive correlations with increased levels of stress, gradual loss of sanity and ultimately an early death. It can also cause a man to develop a hatred for all women, which is tragic because only a small percentage of them are evil and middle-aged.

One other important point to remember is that the harmful effects of a middle-aged woman are magnified exponentially when two or more of them function together as a group. The larger the group, the more dangerous they become. Also, when they interact with one another, they tend to compliment each other as well as encourage their own behavior. This provides all of the middle-aged women in the group with an ego boost, which gives them increased confidence to wreak their havoc on any poor souls that may cross their path.

With the given reality of these dangers, it is essential for one to take precautions. The following are the only proven ways to protect oneself from middle-aged women. While none of these methods are fool-proof, they do offer varying degrees of relief and even have the potential to be life-saving:

* If possible, avoid them completely. A middle-aged woman cannot bother you if you are not interacting with her.

* If you are forced to talk to one for any reason, try to end the conversation as quickly as possible and leave the area immediately after doing so. While talking with one, be sure to absorb as little of the words coming out of her mouth as possible and never take their advice on anything. Remember, it is common knowledge that most middle-aged women are not very bright and that they have absolutely no taste in all subjects ranging from how to dress all the way through what fun consists of.

* Do not interact with a group of them under any circumstances as they will easily overwhelm you. Do whatever it takes to escape from them even if it means becoming excessively violent. No punch, kick, bite or neck snap is too dirty in such an emergency situation.