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Yak
'N Gab
By
Lisa Lumpy, Staff Writer, A middle-aged woman who thinks that being a
mom makes her smart even though getting knocked up was a stupid thing
for her to do in the first place.
A
Warning on Middle-Aged Women
It
is absolute truth that mankind has never suffered such a plague as that
of the middle-aged woman. If the world were a like a healthy scrotum,
the middle-aged woman would be the unwelcome swift kick into it. Trust
me, the Bubonic Plague has nothing on these creatures.
It is hard to tell exactly when a woman becomes middle-aged. For most
women, it is after they turn 35 years old. For others, sadly, it starts
even earlier. To be fair, there are some blessed ones that stay young
at heart throughout life, but they are few and far between.
There are only two known ways of identifying a middle-aged woman. The
reader would be wise to study them for his or her own protection.
The first way is through appearance. Middle-aged women are easily identified
by their rough skin and plain facial features. More often than not, they
will have a torso and/or ass that is much too wide to be considered attractive.
All of this is visible despite their vain attempts to look beautiful.
Whether it involves tacky jewelry or gallons of makeup, the middle-aged
woman will stop at nothing to hide her true hideous form from the public
at large.
The second way to quickly identify a middle-aged woman is by observing
their attitude and demeanor. To put it in general terms, they constantly
complain, nit-pick everything and under no condition are they ever satisfied
with their lives. To put it in a more scientific term, they act like bitches.
Examples of this behavior have been well documented for decades. Listed
below are some of the most common observations of middle-aged woman behavior:
*When everyone else in a room is hot, she is cold and vice-versa.
*Whenever she eats at a restaurant with more than five people, she will
be the only one to order dessert.
*If someone is happy and content, she’ll drown them in misery.
Middle-aged women pose a significant threat to many factions of society
however young women and men are the most vulnerable. Young girls have
been known to be brain-washed by the unhealthy habits and mindless chatter
of middle-aged women. It is a gradual and gruesome process that ultimately
results in the transformation of a sweet, innocent young lady into, you
guessed it, another disgusting middle-aged woman.
Men tend to face even greater dangers. In the short term, a man’s
interaction with a middle-aged woman will lead to a strong sense of feeling
bothered. It is usually enough to ruin the man’s day completely.
However, it is the long-term effects that are truly devastating. Prolonged
interaction with a middle-aged women has shown positive correlations with
increased levels of stress, gradual loss of sanity and ultimately an early
death. It can also cause a man to develop a hatred for all women, which
is tragic because only a small percentage of them are evil and middle-aged.
One other important point to remember is that the harmful effects of a
middle-aged woman are magnified exponentially when two or more of them
function together as a group. The larger the group, the more dangerous
they become. Also, when they interact with one another, they tend to compliment
each other as well as encourage their own behavior. This provides all
of the middle-aged women in the group with an ego boost, which gives them
increased confidence to wreak their havoc on any poor souls that may cross
their path.
With the given reality of these dangers, it is essential for one to take
precautions. The following are the only proven ways to protect oneself
from middle-aged women. While none of these methods are fool-proof, they
do offer varying degrees of relief and even have the potential to be life-saving:
*If possible, avoid them completely. A middle-aged woman cannot bother
you if you are not interacting with her.
*If you are forced to talk to one for any reason, try to end the conversation
as quickly as possible and leave the area immediately after doing so.
While talking with one, be sure to absorb as little of the words coming
out of her mouth as possible and never take their advice on anything.
Remember, it is common knowledge that most middle-aged women are not very
bright and that they have absolutely no taste in all subjects ranging
from how to dress all the way through what fun consists of.
*Do not interact with a group of them under any circumstances as they
will easily overwhelm you. Do whatever it takes to escape from them even
if it means becoming excessively violent. No punch, kick, bite or neck
snap is too dirty in such an emergency situation.
Consider
yourselves warned.
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Lisa Lumpy is a stay at home mom with 3 beautiful children who does freelance
writing on the side. She has two previously published articles in "Magazine
You've Never Heard Of" and a self-published novel entitled "Reflections
of a Woman" available on Lulu.com. She is also a proud member of
the Lawncrest Parent Teacher Association. Visit her website at http://geocities.yahoo.com/supersoccermom6592.
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