| In
1994, a psychologist named Peter Merlon was in the process
of performing an unethical, yet essential case study on a
woman named Sally Baines. He told her he was there to study
the effects of single parenting. He was actually there to
attempt to shed light on the personality of the annoying bitch.
He studied her for 3 months. These are his recently recovered
transcripts:
Meet Sally
Baines. As far as she knows, the universe revolves around
her. From the second she wakes up and struggles to lift her
250 pound frame out of bed, all of her actions serve the exclusive
purpose of satisfying her needs, at anyone's expense.
In the living
room, her two children are calmly watching television until
the serenity is shattered by the sound of steps creaking in
pain as Sally walks down them.
Yes, shocking as it may seem, Sally has two kids, which means
she has had sex at least twice. While it will forever be a
mystery how she managed to accomplish this, it is no mystery
that the husband has long since filed for divorce. He reportedly
has no problem paying child support, calling it a small price
to pay in exchange for being able to avoid Sally.
They say that
children are especially good at using body language to express
positive or negative affection toward others. This is clearly
evident when Sally's kids show uncomfortable looks as they
reluctantly greet her with a "Good morning".
Sally, seemingly
unappreciative of her children's good nature, declines to
return the sentiment, instead opting for, "Hurry up and
get dressed, we have to leave soon!" spoken in a high-pitched
voice with enough intensity to make one's blood curdle.
"But
mom, can we just wait until the last two minutes of our show
is over, please?" the children plead.
"NO,
NOW!," Sally replies coldly.
Her children
march to their room where they are quick to justifiably talk
about her behind her back.
"I wonder
why mommy is so mean today."
"I don't
know, but she's being a real B-Word."
"I'm
telling mommy what you said!"
"Being
a tattle-tale is how you become mean like mommy."
"Ok,
fine, I'm not telling."
EMPLOYMENT
When Sally
arrives at her job at the local Applebee’s, the atmosphere
immediately becomes sour. Her occupation is tailor-made for
her personality – hostess.
The busboys
nearby do their best to pretend not to notice her, but inside,
they’re pissed. Sally, despite having a lower-skill
job, gets to boss the busboys around. It’s a privilege
she readily takes advantage of. Within a minute, she approaches
them with the intention of making her voice heard.
“Now
boys,” Sally screeches, “make sure the silverware
is nice and straight,” as she attempts to straighten
a fork, but makes it more crooked than it originally was.
“Okay,”
the one boy responds indifferently, while looking as if he
wished to respond with any of dozens of insults involving
the word “cunt”.
“We
may get busy today, so make sure you boys hustle.”
“All
right,” said the other busboy, looking deeply resentful
that a lazy, 250-pound woman would demand him to hustle.
As usual,
Sally’s bitching turns out to be groundless. Two hours
have passed and the dining room is barely half-full. Everything
is running smoothly, with no thanks to Sally at all who is
sitting idle while playing with her nails.
Every time
customers walk in, she greets them with a condescending “Hi,
how are you,” as if to say, “You need to get past
ME before you can sit down and eat.” After the customers
were seated, she usually made it a point to hunt down whatever
server had that table, because servers must be incapable of
keeping an eye on the four or five tables they are in charge
of. Sally would tell them, for example, “You have a
party of 4,” in a tone that seemed to rub in the fact
that they now had more work to do. The busier the restaurant
was, the more she tended to do this.
TESTIMONIALS
In an attempt
to gain further insight into Sally’s personality, I
tracked down and interviewed some of the people who know her
best. These are their testimonies:
Jack
Conners, Highschool Classmate:
"Yeah,
I remember Sally. She was in most of my classes. I couldn’t
stand her…at all.
"The
teacher would be trying to explain something and she would
constantly interrupt him with stupid questions that everyone
else already knew the answer to. My mind would constantly
be yelling at her to shut up, but she never did.
"Worst
of all though was her personality. She had the mind of a supermodel,
but the body of a 170-pound woman with a slightly crooked
nose. She would wear these skin-tight shirts that exposed
her gut to everyone. One time, I even overheard her telling
an acquaintance that they, “made her feel like a goddess”.
The goddess of what, fat and annoying? Damn, I hated that
bitch."
Donna Franchesca, Restaurant Owner, Sally’s Employer:
"Yes,
I’m aware of Sally’s tendency to get on everyone’s
nerves. I experienced it first hand when I interviewed her
for the hostess position she currently holds. Her tone of
voice had this…arrogance to it. I kind of felt like
I was talking to Hillary Clinton, only she was applying for
an $8/hr hostess job. However, I was unable to find anyone
else for the job so I hired her.
"It turns
out she’s a good worker too. She works a full-time schedule
and never calls out or arrives late, which is a bit ironic,
since the main reason everyone hates her is because she’s
around so much."
“But
don’t you care about the morale of your other employees,
not to mention your customers?” I asked.
“Of
course not, I’m a restaurant owner for Christ sake!”
Getting Sally’s
mother to provide some background on her condition was difficult.
However, after thoroughly explaining the importance as well
as the potentially enormous scientific value of this study,
she came forth with some tidbits.
Jessica
Baines, Sally’s Mother:
"As best
as I can recall, Sally did show some selfish tendencies growing
up. Oftentimes, when in a play group, for example, she would
resist sharing with others like no other child I had ever
seen. We would try to discipline her, but then she would start
wailing loudly. It was embarrassing having to watch the other
children and their parents cringe in annoyance, although it
was kind of funny too.
"From
the time she was ten years old, she would constantly complain
about how her various peers were stupid and how she knew better
than they did. As guilty as I feel about it now, I would often
tune it out as it was just plain irritating.
"It would certainly explain why she was never popular
with her peers. She never had any close friends. I remember
on her prom night, she left the house saying she was going
to meet up with her date elsewhere, but I could tell she was
lying. Lying was one of many things she mistakenly thought
she was good at."
ATTEMPTED
ROMANCE
Every so often,
Sally will succumb to loneliness. She has no friends, which
is not surprising of course, and must therefore resort to
blind dating and hope for the best. What follows is an account
of one such date with an unfortunate soul named Howard.
The night
begins when Sally meets her date Howard outside of a downtown
restaurant.
“Hi
there, you must be Howard?” Sally says.
“Yes
I am. That must mean you’re Sally. Nice to meet you,”
Howard says uneasily, already visibly disappointed by her
sloppy appearance. However, given that Howard is hardly a
prize catch himself, he seems willing to go on with the date.
As they walk
inside the restaurant, Howard continually glances at Sally’s
shoes and I believe I know why. Sally is wearing a pair of
heavy double high-heeled shoes which pound at the ground with
every step. I can easily hear her walking from over thirty
feet away. Only an obnoxious attention-seeking bitch would
wear such shoes.
Howard then
attempts to begin a conversation.
“So,
what do you do for a living?” he asks.
“I’m
a hostess at an Applebee’s,” she replies.
“Oh,
really?”
“Yeah,
and oh my god, you wouldn’t believe how stressful it
is. Like all day long, it’s nothing but seat the customers,
walk back to the podium, and then seat some more customers.
I’m telling you that place would completely fall apart
without me and nobody appreciates it.”
“I see.”
“It’s
hard work, I tell you,” Sally continued, “That’s
why sometimes I try to show up a little late, or leave a little
early, or just take extra long smoke breaks.”
“Mmm,
hmmm,” Howard said while unsuccessfully holding back
a heavy sigh.
“Speaking
of smoking, that reminds me, I need one.” She said as
she lit up.
“Listen
Sally,” Howard said as he tried to ignore the smoke
in his face, “there’s a lot of other people around.
Maybe you should put the cigarette out until we’re in
a more secluded area.”
“Ah,
they don’t mind,” Sally replied as she blew out
another puff of smoke that flew into Howard’s face.
He couldn’t help but cough this time.
For most of
dinner, Sally continues to dominate the conversation, rambling
on about how “rough” she has it. Howard is seen
often looking out the window and fondling his napkin and silverware.
Howard’s suffering is painful to watch and makes one
wonder why society places such high importance on being polite.
After dinner,
it’s off to a nearby upscale bar for cocktails. Howard,
being the gentleman he is, pays for everything. It’s
just a pity that Sally preys on gentleman. Normally satisfied
with moderate wines, she orders several $30 cocktails over
the course of the evening. Believe it or not, Sally makes
an even worse date when drunk.
“This
place is great,” Sally yells while swerving back and
forth, “the music is great.”
“You
already told me that, three times,” Howard replies to
deaf ears with a heavy sigh.
“WOOOOOOO!”
Sally randomly shouts, and not in the good Ric Flair kind
of way.
“It’s
getting late, let me take you home.” Howard suggests.
After Sally
is dropped off at her front door, already sensing Howard’s
disinterest in her, yet not satisfied from just a free meal
and drinks, she makes a desperate attempt for some dick. Even
if turned down, she can bitch about it, a win-win situation
for her.
“You
should totally come back to my place. You could meet my kids,
you’d love them.”
“Maybe
some other time, I’ve got work tomorrow.”
“Oh,
you’re such a party pooper!”
“I’ll
talk to you later.”
“Oh,
what? You don’t like me or something?”
“Good
night…you drunk bitch.”
“Call
me.”
Not surprisingly,
Howard never calls Sally back. Sensing that Sally’s
“annoying tendencies” were the cause, I interviewed
him about his experience with Sally.
“Last
week you had a date with my client, Sally Baines. Would you
care to describe that experience to me?” I ask.
“Oh,
my fucking god!” Howard replies.
“Could
you please elaborate on “fucking god”, please?”
“I feel
like I went on a date with my mother. I couldn’t believe
how much she ran her mouth and nagged about everything.”
“Was there any nagging in particular that bothered you?”
“At
one point, she said my tie looked tacky. Meanwhile, she’s
wearing plastic fucking jewelry, and then there were those
noisy god-damned shoes she was wearing…”
“You
noticed those also?”
“Yeah,
every step she took made loud banging noises. As we walked,
all I could hear was KALUP KALUP KALUP. I felt like I was
with a horse instead of a woman. Someone should invent silencers
for those fucking things.”
“Was
there anything nice or enjoyable about your experience?”
“Well,
the alcohol at the bar was good, but that’s about it.
But seriously, there was nothing positive about interacting
with this woman. As far as personality goes, she never had
anything pleasant or enjoyable to say. She was a total bitch
without even having a nice body to compensate for it. Her
torso had the shape of a potato and yet she’s a snobby
asshole. I’ve never seen anything quite like it.”
“If
you had to describe Sally with a single word, what would it
be?”
“Irritating-aggravating-what-the-fuck-was-I-thinking-nasty-ass-bitch.”
“Would
you be interested in seeing her again?”
“I’m
going to go with no.”
CONFRONTATION
By now, one
should have an idea of the type of person Sally is. After
a few weeks of observations, I had enough. This woman, in
her present state, was clearly a mess and a cancer to society.
Worse still, others were suffering because of her. I had to
try and help. One day, I finally confronted Sally about her
aversive personality.
“After
studying you and your family,” I stated, “it appears
that being a single mother is having no harsh effect.”
“Well,
isn’t that nice? I always knew I was the world’s
best mother. Of course, I’ve also always known that
I’m smarter and more resourceful than most people…”
“Yes,
well, unfortunately, your peer relationships are being harmed
by your personality.”
“How
do you mean?”
“Based
on my own observations, I’m not sure if you’re
aware or not, but the way you act often tends to be perceived
by others as selfish. I’ve never even observed you saying
anything generally nice to another person. This type of personality
tends to have an aversive effect on others, thus driving them
away from you...what the hell is that crunching sound?”
“Oh,
I’m just chewing on some ice.”
“Could
you please stop it for just a moment? This is important.”
“My
mouth is hot. I need it.”
“Sigh,
anyway, I’m particularly worried about your relationship
with your two children. They don’t seem to like you
too much.”
“My
children love me.”
“I’m
sure they love you, but they don’t seem to enjoy actually
being around you.”
“Yes
they do!” she replied while stomping her foot.
“Let
me ask you this, why do they seem to spend so much time in
their room, away from you? Also, I’ve noticed that their
interactions with you are often very brief and rushed even
by a child’s standards. They both even admitted to me
when I spoke with them that you are not exactly pleasant to
be around. Why do you suppose that is?”
“Well
that just goes to show how ungrateful they are! That kind
of talk must stem from that no-good father of theirs!”
“Some
may perceive passing the blame as a sign of weakness.”
“But
I’m not wrong!”
“Try
to see the big picture here. Your relationship with your children
is suffering. There must be some way you can try to change
in order to improve the situation.”
“There’s
nothing wrong! I have the greatest kids in the world!”
“You
just accused them of being ungrateful.”
“They
are. They need to be more appreciative of me. I’ll have
to give them a good hollering about that later. I’m
glad you brought that to my attention.”
“Sigh,
let’s try this again…”
I try several
more times to convince Sally of the seriousness of this problem,
but am unsuccessful.
“Listen,”
I then say, “I have testimonies from your relatives
and associates detailing how they cannot stand being around
you. It’s not the rest of the world that has it wrong,
it’s you!”
“Fuck
you, get out!”
“Please,
let me help.”
“Get
out! Get out!”
ANALYSIS
As best as
I can conclude, a large portion of Sally’s “bitchy”
tendencies can be attributed to unfortunate environmental
circumstances. Sally’s parents seem to have done a poor
job raising her to be a more pleasant person with their distinctive
parenting style known as “lazy”. Also, her peers
rejected her from an early age, perhaps causing her to rebel
against them, which only served to reinforce her asshole nature.
Even when her marriage failed, she ended up receiving full
custody as well as child support, perhaps making it seem as
if everything wrong in her life really was the husband’s
fault. Who could have ever imagined that our judicial system
could let society down?
In the end,
it just deeply upsets me to know that there are thousands
of Sally’s out there, all causing misery for everyone
around them, all refusing to change. They can’t be bargained
with or reasoned with, like non-awesome versions of The Terminator.
It makes me lose even more faith in humanity. Hell, even as
I write this, my trailer trash of a next door neighbor is
ruining my ears with her shrieks at her son for not cleaning
his room. I mean really, it’s not that big of a deal,
so quiet the fuck down. Annoying ass bitch.
Printer
Friendly Version
Lazy
Storyteller Version
-7.05.2007
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