Why Professional Athletes should be Worshipped
May 4th, 2007 by Tim Lovett

Because there's nothing better to worship!

Let's look at the alternatives:

1.) God(s)/Deities: Being realistic, when is the last time your god(s) did anything for you? Besides, worshipping deities usually requires boring activities such as sitting in church or praying, when you could be sitting in front of your TV with a beer instead. Also, when the gods you worship let you down, there is nothing you can do about it, but if an athlete lets you down, you can always stand in the bleachers and throw batteries at him. ADVANTAGE: Pro Athletes

2.) Scientists/Academics: Various silly people in our society have long argued that our scientists, academics, and assorted intellectuals should be the ones who receive the highest honors and praises. However, the major reason not to idolize these people is rarely discussed, which is that many of them are THE MOST STUBBORN, EGOTISTICAL PEOPLE ON THE PLANET!

Think of your typical coffee house intellectual who has nothing better to do than argue for hours on end over trivial topics, or the dickhead professor who fails students for not agreeing with his point of view, or the snooty English professor who believes his Ph.D makes him important despite the fact that he contributes almost nothing useful to society. It shouldn't be hard to imagine how much worse these people's egos would become if they were ever given a major public spotlight. In short, fuck these people! I'll take the egos of Terrell Owens and Chad Johnson over these assholes anyday. ADVANAGE: Pro Athletes

3.) Your spouse/significant other: Oh please! For most of you, your significant other will only end up breaking your heart and unlike when your favorite sports teams do this, you won't feel better about it when next season rolls around. The pain will be long-lasting, if not permanent. Save yourself the trouble here, ditch the bitch and buy some fan gear. ADVANTAGE: Pro Athletes

4.) The object of your fetish: While worshipping your fetish certainly has the advantage of leading to an orgasm, it is extremely risky behavior. If you get caught doing it, or people find out you do it, that will be the end of any kind of positive social status you may have built up for yourself. Also, have feet or elbows ever brought glory to your city or made your life seem fulfilled for more than 10 seconds? Didn't think so. ADVANTAGE: Pro Athletes

5.) High School/College Athletes: Some people express a preference for college and high school sports because the athletes and competition are "more pure". Such people are stupid, because anyone with half a brain knows that nothing could be further from the truth. High schools let their athletes out of class early and colleges handout dozens of full-paid scholarships. Instead of simply having junior leagues, our country corrupts our educational systems only to result in a final product of game play that is vastly inferior to what the professionals can pull off. Fuck that. ADVANTAGE: Pro Athletes

I rest my case.

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-5.4.2007

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