How
does Shannon Sharpe Know What Everyone Says?
March 30th, 2007 by Tim Lovett
It’s
a spectacle unlike any other. Whenever CBS broadcaster Shannon
Sharpe gives highlights for a football game, he does so with
the uncanny ability to tell viewers precisely what the players,
and sometimes the coaches, said during the game-breaking plays.
Here’s
a typical Shannon Sharpe breakdown of a hypothetical game
between the Denver Broncos and San Diego Chargers:
James
Brown: Ok, our next game is the Broncos and Chargers,
break it down for us Shannon.
Shannon
Sharpe: All right J.B. Here we have Ladanian Tomlinson
getting the handoff and he says, “I’m gonna run
this ball 54 yards for a touchdown,” and he does so
that makes it 7-0 San Diego. Later on we have Jake Plummer
sayin’, “I’m gonna throw this ball in the
endzone for a touchdown,” and that ties the game. This
game gets decided late in the fourth quarter when Philip Rivers
says, “I’m also gonna throw a touchdown pass,”
but Broncos defensive back Champ Bailey says, “I’m
gonna intercept this ball and run it all the way back instead,”
and that’s why the Broncos won this game J.B.
James
Brown: Uh….thank you Shannon. Anything
you want to add to that Boomer?
Boomer
Esiason: No.
Isn’t
that great? He brings viewers the voices of the game in a
way that “Mic’d Up” never could. However,
considering that he is not on the field with any of these
players, my only question is, how does he do it? Does he have
hidden microphones all over every football field? Does he
employ a legion of journalists to interview every important
player of every game about what they said?
Furthermore,
I’m fascinated that NFL players actually say what their
intentions are as they run their plays, and that they often
do it with such clarity. I love how a guy like LaDanian Tomlinson
will make sure to accurately declare that he is running 54
yards for a score, not 52, 53, or 53 and inches.
I hereby declare
that Shannon Sharpe should be hired to do all highlights for
every sport. That way fans could finally know what all of
their favorite athletes were saying during the game. I can
see it now:
Shannon's
Hockey Highlights: For this matchup between the Avalanche
and Red Wings, it came down to the final round of the shootout
where Dominik Hasek said, “You’re not gonna score
on me,” but Joe Sakic said, “Yes I am,”
and he did, giving Colorado the victory.
Also tonight,
we had the Rangers-Capitals game where you can see Jaromir
Jagr skating down the ice until Donald Brashear says, “I’m
gonna crosscheck you in the mouth,” and that would lead
to a New York powerplay goal. Down by one at the end, the
Capitals coach says, "I better pull my goalie,"
so Washington brings out the extra attacker, but fail to tie
it up and they lose.
Shannon's
Baseball Highlights: Ok, here we go, Giants vs. Dodgers.
Bottom of the 9th, Giants down by 1, Barry Bonds is at bat
and he says, "I got some fresh chemicals in my butt so
I'm ready to jack me a 530 ft. home run," but the pitcher
says, "That's ok, I'll just walk you instead." That
would lead to the next batter grounding into a double play
and the Dodgers steal a victory.
Shannon's
NASCAR Highlights: At the Talladega 500, Tony Stewart
says, “My car is out of control and caused a 20-car
accident,” meanwhile Jeff Gordon says, “I’m
gonna drive the fastest,” and that landed him in Victory
Lane.
*
* *
Just for fun,
let's also have him analyze pornography:
Shannon's
Porno Review/Highlights: This week, I review "Anal
Fun 7", let's roll the footage. Ok, here we have Ron
Jeremy with his lady friend and he says, "Girl, I'm gonna
take off my pants, whip out my dick, and fuck you in the vagina
and asshole, while gently caressing your titties," and
that's why that girl has a violent orgasm. J.B., I can personally
say that this film got me very hard and very aroused in a
matter of minutes. I recommend that everyone watching check
out this film.
James
Brown: How the fuck did you talk me into co-hosting
this with you?
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Sharpe Breaks Down the Making of this Article Version
-3.30.2007
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