Finally,
Us Philly Sports Fans have a Chance to be Unbearably Obnoxious
October 30, 2008
Dear fans of all non-Philadelphia
sports teams: You all suck. You’re all gay. The Philadelphia
Phillies are World Champions.
Man, this has been a long time coming.
For the first time during my lifetime - and by extension,
the only time period that matters - Philadelphia has a major
sports championship. As long as I've been alive, I’ve
suffered through far too many championship-caliber Philadelphia
teams choking in the playoffs. For years, I've had to endure
watching and reading about fans in other cities celebrating
ultimate victory, making my blood boil for reasons that are
totally irrational.
In fact, I’ve been keeping track,
and I’ve survived all of the following, among others:
*
Obnoxious Dallas Cowboys fans of the early-mid 90s.
*
Obnoxious Chicago Bulls fans of the early-late 90s.
*
Obnoxious New Jersey Devils fans of the late 90s-early 2000s
(granted, there were only like 7 of them, but they were still
really annoying).
*
Obnoxious Boston fans of the 2000s that act as if the Red
Sox and Patriots don’t have long, shameful histories
of being shitty teams.
*
Obnoxious New York fans since forever, because those fans
are ALWAYS annoying (and stupid and smell bad).
Well guess what assholes! The shoe’s
on the other foot now! We’ve finally got our championship
and you’d better believe we’re going to rub it
in your face to the point where you’re going to wish
for some sort of natural plague to destroy the City of Brotherly
Love, at which point we’ll simply taunt you some more
in as classless a manner as possible. The more vulgar, the
better.
For example, are you from X City and
enjoy rooting for Y Team? Well, FUCK YOU, the Philadelphia
Phillies are World Champions! Go die in a fire, DICKHEAD!!
That’s exactly why you suck so much, because you’re
a stupid DICKHEAD who was either raised or made a conscious
decision to cheer for teams that do not reside in the Philadelphia
area. Serves you right...DICKHEAD!
Here are some graphical representations
of what I just stated:
 Champions./.Winners./.Studs |
 Loser |
 Fags |
 Epic
Failures |
 Canadiens |
Don't even think about getting offended
by any of the above. The fact that my team won the championship
makes everything I wrote totally accurate and completely ethical
to publish.
In closing, long live this new era of
obnoxious Philly shit-talking. And just remember, the Phillies
are actually one of our least popular teams. God help you
if the Eagles, Flyers, or Sixers ever win a championship sometime
this century. Now then, excuse me while I continue to sit
around behind my computer screen, where no one can hurt me,
and feel and act superior to all you non-Philly-fan losers.
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New
York Version
-October 30th,
2008
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