Sun Tanning is for Losers
March 24th, 2007 by Tim Lovett

Of all the stupid things that I have seen people do in my life (a large number, I assure you), sun tanning is easily near the top of the list. Every time I see someone sunbathing, I feel ashamed to be a member of the Caucasian race.

Why is sun tanning popular? Sitting in the sun, or heaven forbid a tanning booth, is not only a waste of time, it is very unhealthy. It damages your skin, accelerates aging, and increases the risk of getting skin cancer. Most people over 50 who have spent their summers sunbathing have skin so shriveled up that they look more like a prune. The general population already has enough reasons to dislike the elderly, why give them another?

All of this occurs just for a slight change in skin appearance. Are you fucking kidding me? Tan isn’t even that good of a color, how did it ever get associated with attractiveness? If I wanted to make myself sexier through skin color alteration, there’s a whole list of colors I would paint myself before choosing to tan.

The color blue in particular can make members of both sexes more appealing.

Yet every summer, like clockwork, the same stupid white people get into the same stupid fuss over tanning. "Oh, I desperately need a tan," they say, or, "Jeez, my skin is so white, it's disgusting," or, “If my ass isn’t tan, no one will want to stick their dick in it,” they cry. Why don't they ever just accept that the reason their skin is so white is because they ARE white. It’s really not so bad once you come to terms with it.

I'm pale white, get over it.

The process of sun tanning itself sucks ass. It’s about the only outdoor activity more boring than fishing, which is quite an accomplishment in itself. You basically sit in a chair and just let life pass you by. In other words, it’s just like being at school or work, except this is done in your spare time. Then there is the sunscreen. The human body has made it very clear that it does not want this shit on it. Subtle hints include, but are not necessarily limited to:

1.) The fact that you cannot apply it to your entire body without assistance.
2.) It makes you dirty and gives you a stench.
3.) It can get in your eyes and burn if you sweat too much.
4.) Good luck grabbing anything if it gets on the inside of your hands.
5.) Sometimes, no matter how much lotion you apply, your skin gets burnt anyway, seemingly out of spite.

If I were ever in a life or death situation where I had to rub semen on myself to survive, it would probably look like this. Then again, I would likely let myself die at that point.

People who tan are saying to the world, "Hey everyone, look how selfish I am! I'm willing to waste hours of my life creating what I [wrongly] perceive to be a minimal improvement of my body. I could have used that time to do something productive or better myself intellectually, but hey, I'm shallow."

This silly cultural trend needs to be reversed. The easiest way to influence people is usually by making them feel bad about themselves. I recommend we start using the word "tanner" to refer to people who are stupid enough to sunbathe. The next time some sun-fried asshole tries to lecture you about how bad you need a tan, just say something like, "Get the fuck outta my face you stupid tanner cunt!" Be creative and come up with your own fun insults involving this new T-Word. Just make sure you are stronger than the person you wish to insult.

So from now on, whenever the summer season arrives, don’t be a sun tanning loser. Always be sure to cover yourself as much as possible, or better yet, just stay inside, blast the AC, and play videogames.

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-5.24.2007

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