People
Need to Stop Having Opinions I Don’t Agree With
November 9th, 2007 by Tim Lovett
If opinions are like assholes,
my asshole is the best.
At face value, I’m not
special by any means. I’m a moderately-educated person
who doesn’t care to pay attention to world events or
expand my horizons. Nonetheless, I remain firmly convinced
that my opinions about everything are correct and it burns
me up to see anyone think otherwise.
It seems like everywhere I
go, I’m bombarded with differing perspectives about
social issues. It’s almost like we live in a democratic
society that encourages diverse thought and it makes me sick
to my stomach.
The media is the biggest culprit
of all. Just the other day, I became violently outraged while
watching CNN and witnessing some idiot analyst share political
views that were different from my own. I hollared at him as
loud as I could through the television set, hoping to change
his mind, but he wouldn’t listen to me. Unbelievable.
The problem is only getting
worse. Last month, I was even forced to break up with my girlfriend
after she kept saying that blue was the best color in the
world even though it’s obvious to me that it’s
green. What a bitch, I mean, how stupid can you be? Fuck blue.
Thankfully, I never encounter
this problem when I’m out with my buddies. Every time
I share with them my uninformed, but accurate views on life,
they shower me with praise and sometimes even refer to me
as “The Man”.
Yet, whenever I do this with
strangers in public forums, they often have the gall to disagree
with me and express their own unique opinion. Even after I
shout at them about how I’m right and they’re
wrong, while simultaneously stomping my foot on the ground,
they still refuse to have my opinion imposed on them. Not
even swearing and childish name-calling can bring them to
their senses. As a result, I’m often forced to threaten
others with physical force to win my debates, but then I get
branded as the bad guy. Am I the only one who sees a problem
with this?
Worst of all is when people
ask me to explain why I think my opinions are correct. I’m
always quick to tell them that they just are and that I’m
super-sure about it, but apparently, that’s an unacceptable
rationale. I guess there’s just no pleasing some people.
This is why I need to become
King of the Universe. Then I could make it a law to agree
with me about everything. Anyone caught breaking this law
would promptly be forced to become a “Registered Stupidface”.
Good luck finding employment with a label like that on your
job application.
Since that will probably never
happen, I am left with no choice but to demand that the residents
of this planet get with the program and learn to think as
I do. Disagreeing and arguing with all of you is really starting
to get on my nerves, and quite frankly, it’s very rude
of all of you to put me through that kind of mental aggravation.
If you just relax and give my words some thought, I am confident
that, sooner or later, you will come to see things my way.
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- 11.09.2007
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