How
to Fix Every Bad Movie Ever Made
June 14th, 2007 by Tim Lovett
Just
remake it into Commando.
Allow me to
elaborate. This holy grail of movies was released in 1985,
starring Arnold Schwarzenegger in his most action-packed,
violent, and comical role ever. The movie forever set the
gold standard for what an entertaining flick should be. Every
single movie critic on earth who isn’t totally gay (and
every gay critic who isn't totally hetero) agrees that it
is the best film ever made.
Today, Commando’s
appeal is stronger than ever with the action movie genre being
currently dominated by lame ass heroes who rely on karate,
magic, fighting the undead, or some other corny gimmick. Commando,
however, does violence right by featuring good-old-fashioned
shooting people, with the occasional explosion. For the few
times when a scene necessitates death without the use of firearms,
the producers take great pains to make the deaths extra awesome
by showing a man being intentionally dropped from atop a cliff,
two different types of impaling, and one of the most vicious
neck snaps in human history.
To put into
perspective how perfect this movie truly is, I have provided
a graph of movie perfection that rates movies on a scale of
10 to infinity, with 10 being a perfect movie and infinity
being an infinitely perfect movie. As you will see, not every
movie is perfect.
Here is a
quick breakdown of the scores:
Terminator
3: Rise of the Machines (5,000,000): Perfect, but
could have been a lot more perfect.
Dumb
and Dumber (10,273,684): The most hilarious pure
comedy movie ever made. Literally every single scene has a
laugh out loud moment, and often many. All of this against
the backdrop of a road trip across America. Cinematic comedy
perfection.
Rocky
III (20,881,460): An extremely perfect movie with
great action scenes, awesome characters, and the occasional
funny one-liner.
Terminator
2: Judgment Day (104,654,117): A legendarily perfect
movie that has action and attitude out the asshole with a
mix of classic Arnold one-liners.
The
Terminator (104,654,118): Legendarily perfect for
the same reasons as T2. However, with a darker and tighter
storyline and the surprisingly impressive breasts of a pre-masculinized
Linda Hamilton, the original edges out the blockbuster sequel.
Commando
(Infinity): Unsurpassed comedy, unsurpassed action,
and even a few seconds of titties shown just for the sake
of showing titties. This is the most perfect movie ever made
and it is unlikely to ever be topped. According to the laws
of known physics, it is impossible to get bored while watching
this movie. Current and aspiring filmmakers should never attempt
to create "the best movie ever" unless they are
willing to settle for second-best and only losers do that.
King
Ralph (1): A monumentally disappointing comedy starring
John Goodman where every single joke falls flat leaving the
movie with no entertainment value whatsoever. However, it
receives one pity point for at least attempting to make fun
of British Royalty.
Gone
with the Wind (0): Starts off promising by being
set against the backdrop of the Civil War, but quickly deteriorates
into a drama/romance bore fest.
Exit
to Eden (- Infinity): If you are lucky enough not
to know about this movie, take my advice and skip this paragraph.
This movie features Rosie O’Donnell in a dominatrix
outfit (How's that for a mental image? Good luck becoming
sexually aroused this month). Whether or not this was done
for comedic affect doesn't make it any more excusable. The
score for this movie should now be self-explanatory.
Sadly, there
are many other movies besides King Ralph, Gone
with the Wind, and Exit to Eden that fall far
short of perfection. The good news is that it is never too
late to remake these movies. In order to create a perfect
remake of any originally non-perfect movie, all it requires
is taking the original characters and setting, then simply
reworking the storyline into Commando. I'll use my
non-perfect movies as examples:
Gone
with the Wind Remake: Features vivid battle
scenes which show how Colonel John Matrix (Schwarzenegger)
single handedly wiped out the entire Confederate army. The
climatic moment occurs when Scarlett O’Hara condemns
Matrix for all the violence, death, and destruction he has
caused. Matrix responds by saying the classic line, "Frankly
my dear, I don't give a damn," and shooting Scarlett
between the eyes. Perfect.
King
Ralph Remake: When Las Vegas lounge singer Ralph
Jones (John Goodman) unexpectedly becomes King of England,
the evil Bennett, who is second in line to the throne attempts
to overthrow him. Upon learning of the plot against him, Ralph
turns to his American buddy John Matrix for help, with violent
consequences. Perfect.
Exit
to Eden Remake: John Matrix is flown into the
island of Eden with the critical mission of putting Rosie
O’Donnell out of her misery. After slowly groping every
hot girl on the island, he finally confronts Rosie in a boiler
room. Not to be silenced so easily, Rosie challenges Matrix
to a knife fight. Matrix rises to the challenge and carves
Rosie a new asshole, both figuratively and literally. Perfect.
Ah hell, I
can’t stop there, here’s a couple more:
Bring
It On Remake: When Jenny Matrix’s cheerleading
squad is humiliated by a tough inner-city cheerleading squad,
led by the evil Bennett, it’s up to Jenny and Rae Dawn
Chong to work together to come up with a hot new routine in
order to defeat Bennett and bring home the National Championship.
Meanwhile, John Matrix slaughters two-hundred random foreign
soldiers in a thrilling sub-plot. Perfect.
Rudy Remake:
“Hey Rudy, remember when I promised to let you suit
up for the final game of your senior year?”
“That’s
right Coach Matrix, you did.”
“I
lied.”
Perfect.
There you are,
Hollywood. I’ve given you the blueprint for salvaging
your reputation. Now get to work and fix the rest of your
massive arsenal of shit movies.
Suggestions
for Further Reading:
CommandoFans.com
- Awesome site that thoroughly covers everything Commando
related and helped to inspire this article.
Printer
Friendly Version
John
Matrix Version
-6.14.2007
Back
to Front Page |
