The Dark Night:
Starring Norm MacDonald
April 6th, 2009

So, Mr. Wayne, I found out a little secret about you.

Are you referring to how awesome I am? Because that's not a secret. Everyone already knows that.

Not quite. You see, I know what you do at night. I know you're Batman.

Yeah right, like I spend my nights stalking grown men while wearing a tight rubber costume. I think that's something that would be more up your alley, you know, because of HOW GAY YOU ACT ALL THE TIME.

I beg your pardon, but I'm not gay. In fact, have a wife.

Look, I don't want to get bogged down in semantics or anything, but if you're married to a woman, but still have have sex with men every week, I'm pretty sure that makes you gay...

Perhaps you don't understand, so let me be more clear. If you don't pay me 10 million dollars, I'm going to tell the world that you're Batman.

Perhaps you don't understand. If don't keep my identity a secret, I'm going to take this Batarang here and stick it up your ass.

(gulp)...right...I understand. Sorry I bothered you.

My DA career is going great and now I'm seeing this Harvey Dent guy, who is just amazing.

That's very uninteresting. Well, goodbye.

So at last we meet, Batman. Joker's the name...

Oh, nice try “Joker”, but you can't fool me with that clown outfit. I know that's you OJ SIMPSON, you murdering murderer, you.

Umm, what the hell are you talking about?

Oh, don't play dumb with me, OJ.

Ok, you know what, since you're not making any sense whatsoever, I'm just going to kill you now, asshole.

Good Lord, man! What happened to your face? You should really lay off the CRACK COCAINE.

What happened to my face, you say? Well you see, I had a wife, beautiful...

Don't soil the good name of your wife. It's no one's fault but your own that you've become such a CRACK WHORE. Actually, I apologize. I'm being presumptuous. Maybe you're just an ASSISTANT CRACK WHORE.

Just tell me one thing, and be serious, what makes you think that I'm OJ Simpson?

The clues are all there for everyone to see. You've got the green hair, the purple suit, and the former career as Buffalo Bills running back. It was obvious all along.

You know what, if being a violent sociopath involves talking to jerks like you, I want nothing to do with it. I surrender.

That's right, you better surrender! Officer, arrest this man and take him to jail, where his cellmate will be, you guessed it, FRANK STALLONE!

Really? I get to be cellmates with THE FRANK STALLONE?

Nah, I was just kidding you. It'll probably be some big black guy who rapes you a lot. Good luck at your trial, Mr. Simpson.

MY NAME IS NOT MR. SIMPSON! IT'S...

Shut up, OJ. Let's go. You have the right to remain silent...

Alright Harvey, you crazy bastard, what's going on here?

Call me “Two-Face”.

Why?

Because I have two faces, you idiot!

But I only see one face. Maybe you should call yourself “One-Face” to avoid confusion.

One half of my face is all normal-looking see, and the other half is hideously deformed. Get it...”Two-Face”?

Now wait just a minute here. Just because each HALF of your ONE face looks vastly different from the other doesn't mean that you somehow have an extra face. It's still just one face. Perhaps you'd prefer to call yourself “Two-distinctly-different-halves-of-one-face”.

I'll kill you, you bastard!

Yeah, that's it. Get all angry at the guy who saved you from OJ Simpson's fiery death trap a couple of nights ago. No need to be grateful or anything. If it wasn't for me, they'd be calling you “Dead-Face”, because you'd be dead.

You let Rachel die when you saved me! How could you do that?

Oh dude, you shouldn't get all upset over Rachel. She was going to dump you soon, anyway.

LIAR! She would never dump me! We loved each other!

Nah, she told me the other day. She said that for her, the deciding factor was when she realized that:

1.) She was Rachel Dawes,

and that,

2.) She was engaged to Harvey Dent .

My God, you're right! I've been ugly all along! Therefore, I have no reason to be bitter about my even more hideous face or losing Rachel for that matter. I surrender.

Good for you.

Should I go off to jail or just throw myself off this building and die now and save everyone the trouble?

I'm not sure. Why don't you flip that coin of yours? That seems to be the only fair way to decide.

Ah, great idea.

(flips)

It's the scratched-up side. I'm going to jump then, see you later.

Later.

Now remember Commissioner, I need you to blame me and me alone for Harvey Dent's death as well as the deaths of the people he killed.

Why, so the people of Gotham don't find out that Harvey Dent was corrupted by a criminal and lose hope in the fight against crime?

No, so people continue to think I'm bad-ass and remain afraid of me.

Riddle me this, Batman...

I hope your riddle is about who Germans like the most, because I already know the answer: David Hasselhoff!

Curses! Well, you may have solved that one, but that's just one of my many riddles!

Hey, I've got a riddle of my own: Who looks and acts more gay than you?

What? How dare you...

The answer is “no one”.

Blast! You've won this round, but I'll get you one day Batman.

No you won't. You're just not that clever.