Beer Pong List Corrections Reaffirmation

Interesting mail is still lacking for the time being, but I did enjoy the one I have posted below. One of my drinking buddies decided to take it upon himself to correct my 10 Signs You Suck at Beer Pong list, and by correct, I mean reaffirm its accuracy to begin with. Join me on a fantastic, two-minute-killing journey as I dissect the email piece by piece.

Date: Fri, 8 Jun 2007 20:04:34 EDT [06/08/2007 06:04:34 PM MDT]
From: "Pat" XXXXXXXXXX@aol.com
To: tl@goldenliterature.com
Subject: 10 signs you suck at beer pong corrections

These are way wrong!

I'll agree that 1-5 are completely true but as for the rest, I don't think so.

- My list is WAY wrong, but at least half of it is absolutely and irrevocably true? By American standards, I'm already a major success story.

6.) You regularly insist that everyone should start to play flip cup instead. There is nothing wrong with liking flip cup.

- Except for the fact that it’s barely a game at all, doesn’t allow for any socialization since you’re constantly guzzling beer, gets you drunk too fast, and is constantly the fall back game for those who cannot cut it at beer pong.

7.) You complain that you cannot make a clutch shot unless “Your Song” is
playing. When the opponent generously puts on your song, you miss the shot by
a mile. You do the same thing with your Commando song.

- Except that I make the shot 60% of the time, every time. The song he refers to is “We Fight for Love” by Power Station, which plays during the end credits of the movie Commando. Its generic 1980s rock sound and lyrics, which could not possibly have less to do with the movie itself, make it the greatest song ever made. Even if I don’t make the clutch shot, I’ve done everyone in the room a favor by turning the song on.

8.) You’re a snippy little bitch about opponents finishing their drinking cup before shooting. That's the rules, just because you can't finish yours, don't complain when people do it to you.

- Stop being such a snippy little bitch!

- Actually they aren’t the rules. Except for the whole throwing balls in cups thing, beer pong has no official rules. They vary depending on where you play, which is one of the best qualities of the game. In my experience, as a general rule, the louder people scream about finishing a drinking cup, the more they usually suck.

9.) Hitting a cup is a borderline orgasmic experience (often goes hand-in-hand with Sign #1). This is also true.

- You corrected the shit out of that one.

10.) You’re certain you could play better if only you were sober.
Not if you were sober, but more drunk is more like it.

- No, playing well when drunk is a sign of a good player, because it’s harder to aim.

I'll end my analysis with a compliment sandwich. Pat, thank you for your email, it was nice hearing from you. However, please don't be completely wrong in the future. Congratulations on being able to write in a more coherent manner than about 98% of all internet users.

Speaking of being right, I'd like to mention that the Philadelphia Flyers signed center Daniel Briere to an 8 year, $52 million contract this week. While this certainly seems to be a good pick up for the team, it further proves my point that their bad ass image is dead.

- 7.03.2007

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