**The title and content of this article pays homage to "Take Your X-Treme Marketing and Shove It" by Maddox.

With the obvious exception of chick humor, there is no lower form of comedy than office humor, with office commercials being the absolute worst of it. I cannot fucking stand all the office and business commercials that are constantly being shown on TV. All of them are always trying to be funny and fail miserably, like a bad Dilbert strip (which is all of them) brought to life on screen.

All of these commercials are exactly the same. Some dipshit employee has a problem which is attempted to be presented in a comical manner. Then, in the nick of time, some other dipshit employee comes up with an innovative solution to that problem, which is also attempted to be shown in a comical manner. Finally, the company logo is displayed and you, the viewer, are supposed to give them your business since they supposedly made you laugh while showing you how efficient they are.

All office commercials are comprised of some combination of this same idiot cast. You won’t find any clichés here, nope, none at all:

*The Bimbo Secretary - If it outranks her and has a dick, she’ll suck it off. Even if she is good-looking, she is still annoying as shit.

*The Strict No-Nonsense Boss - This man is all business and despises tomfoolery and yet unwittingly contributes to the humor of the commercial. Oh the irony, oh wait, not really. Fuck this dude.

*The Panicky Employee - This guy is in a jam and doesn’t know what to do. If he doesn’t get help soon, he’ll lose his job along with the false illusion of accomplishing something with his life. Sometimes, he can actually be funny, since it’s so easy to laugh at those who are pathetic.

*The Suck-Up Assistant - He tries so hard to impress his boss, but can never quite succeed. Isn’t that hilarious? Of course it isn’t.

*Mr./Ms. Cool, Suave Person with smarts and/or Latest Gadget to Solve the Problem at Hand - This is the person who attempts to get the viewing audience hooked. Using the latest product that the commercial is trying to push, he solves the crisis while making himself look good and his co-workers look incompetent. However, it’s quite obvious that he is the biggest douchebag in the company.

It’s all a big load of bullshit. Do office employees really watch these commercials and say to themselves, “Oh, that’s so me, ha ha,” or “Tee hee, that’s something Joe in marketing would do,” or “That bimbo secretary on the TV is a mirror image of me, I’m such a whore.” With the possible exception of the whore, I highly doubt it.

Furthermore, it’s wrong for these commercials to portray office life as more exciting than it really is. Everyone knows it’s depressing, they’re not fooling anyone. That’s why the movie Office Space is so well-liked, despite only having two or three genuinely funny scenes.

If businesses want to make their office commercials truly entertaining, then this is the only type of office commercial that should ever air on TV:

As you can see, the only way that office humor can ever be funny is if there is lots of violence involved. Speaking of violence, I feel like being violent. Excuse me while I go harm the elderly.

Violence rules.

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© 2007 by Tim Lovett